Two weeks ago I asked J for a separation. I wrote a post about it on Beauty which he tracked down and asked me to remove.
And then you wrote here and a light went on. I do find it so very useful to write out how I am feeling and you reaching out across the miles to let me know how you are feeling was so very special and reminded me that we have created a space to explore what it feels like to be in our late forties (and to write very long sentences).
This separation is very important to me. J has done everything to make up for what he did but I have not been able to resolve the hurt and damage. Last night I realised that it is only now that I feel confident that he can care for the kids properly. Three years ago he was still so unwell that I could never have left them with him with confidence. Now he is much better, on good medication and in good hands with the therapist he is seeing. That means that finally I can achieve some space,
I need as much space as I can get to get better. The connection runs too deep to say that this separation is permanent. I need, though, to have some peace and quiet to recover and mend myself.
I am scared yet strangely calm. I want to live an uncompromised life.
Some things change, some stay the same. When we moved to Sydney I met with a dietician and have lost 13 kilos in the last three months.
As I write this though my chin is actively producing more hair and I have a pimple on my upper lip.
I so want to be able to turn 50 next year and be a strong, wise, happy woman. Serene. (without pimples - the chin hair seems to be determined to persist).
Much love to you